When nothing changes, and everything does

I know that I am not the only home educating parent who feels this way right now. We laugh and share snarky homeschool memes as many of our friends and neighbours are having school canceled and then we share our resources to help those parents facilitate learning in their homes until school starts again. We acknowledge that, for most of us, especially those of us with many children, not much has changed.

But everything has. Seemingly overnight, too. Our daily life doesn’t look different, but I promise you, it feels very different. We are facing the same uncertainties, explaining things to our children, watching as our extracurricular activities and then our church services are canceled due to social distancing mandates. We have long conversations with our children and spouses about different approaches those in the homeschool community and in the Church have in this time. Do we deny mandates to have fellowship with other believers? Do we embrace this time as a time of rest and sabbath? Do we distance ourselves completely because we are or know people with weakened immune systems? Do we believe this theory or that one about what is behind this virus and ensuing pandemonium? We ask these questions and don’t always have the answers.

We go to bed knowing that things will look different in the morning and we never know what to expect.

But our kids are still home, like they always are. We’re still feeding them all their meals and snacks at home, like we always do. They are doing school (or not, in our case), using up their screen time and sometimes asking for more. We live in this surreal state, with home looking more or less the same, while the world around us is simultaneously reeling and frozen in place.

And what should we do? My personal response is to maintain an atmosphere of peace in my home, throughout all the decisions that we have to make minute by minute. My God has not given us a spirit of fear and I will not bow to it. Maybe you’re not afraid of the virus or death but are concerned about the economy, your job or what will happen if school is out for the rest of the year. I challenge you to, ” let your requests be made known unto God,” in this time. Fill yourself up with the Word, worship, and words of encouragement. Focus on the many things we have to be thankful for in this time and look out to see what you can do practically to help others. There are many people in need in this time – some need toilet paper or milk and others just need a listening ear or a number they can text anytime they feel anxious.

I said to my husband last night that I never could have predicted this two weeks ago and that knowing that makes me aware that I cannot predict what life will look like in two more weeks. This crisis, although it has not impacted me physically or financially at this time, has made me focus on living one day at a time, something I have admittedly never been great at. So while I fight for peace, I will just live one day at a time and adopt the position of “Lord willing,” as I think farther ahead. I encourage you to do the same, my friends.

Not That Mama

Ten minutes ago, I took Lucas into my room to change his diaper. I walked past piles of books in wire baskets, clothes that need mending, extra blankets, bins of baby things, and the list goes on. I thought about problem solving specifically in the area of all our books and learning resources. The wire baskets are typically on a long buffet type counter just outside my kitchen but birthday season is upon us and we use that counter for food during parties. It gets tiring bringing everything in and out so I leave it in our room for the summer and then put it all back again when the birthdays are done in September.

So I thought about those moms who see a mess like this and immediately set to work building shelving, re-purposing rooms or closets, hunting thrift stores and yard sales for just the right bookshelf until they fix the problem of “too many books piled all over the house.” I changed the baby’s diaper and was reminded again that I’m just not that mom. Oh, how I would love to be, really. But in this season especially, I am not. And in all honesty, I never really have been that kind of person at all. I have built a desk, spray painted countless things, applied contact paper to beautify various pieces of furniture but I’ve just never been the type to try and work and plan in order to fix the mess or clutter in my home.

What I have become is someone who ignores the mess. Every so often, it creeps into my consciousness and rubs irritatingly against my brain for a bit. But then I sigh or on a really bad day, have a cry, and move on. I tell myself that someday, when my kids are mostly grown or out of the house, I’ll get organized. Maybe I will, or maybe at the end of this intense journey of parenting many children, I will hire someone else to do the work for me. Or move into a tiny house.

So what sort of mother are you, exactly?

A few nights ago, I was in tears because the weight of my different-ness was so heavy. It is isolating at times and the obvious answer of, “Um, maybe don’t be so different, duh,” is not the answer.

I have often felt that if I could just be “that mom” – the one who happily orders curriculum, sets up her home like a classroom and joyfully takes on the role of teacher, I could be happy and accepted.

But I’m not that mom.

If I could just be that mom – the one who journals creatively, builds furniture, makes Pinterest worthy birthday cakes and sews dresses for her little girls – I could be content and successful.

But I’m not that mom, either.

Maybe the public school mom,then? Taking first day of school pictures, packing lunches, chatting with teachers and going to Starbucks after the kids have all been dropped off?

But I’m not that mom.

So who am I? What kind of mama am I?

I am the only, very only mom like me. I believe that.

Look at me, tooting my own unique little horn.

But instead of making people ooh and aah at my uniqueness, I feel more often people shake their heads, roll their eyes and question my sanity.

Today I make a brand new declaration:

“That’s okay.”

Go ahead, world! Shake your nicely coiffured heads and roll your eyelash extensioned eyes. This is who I am. This is my family, my life. Time to be okay with it. Time to be at peace.

I can acknowledge that this is easier said than done. It will be a challenge every day to remind myself that I’m okay as I am, that my kids are okay. To ignore all the “you should”s that are ever-present in the world of motherhood and do what I know I need to do even if it looks vastly different than what everyone else is doing.